Foblover920's Journals

So, as you probably noticed:

I haven't posted much/often/at all, and I apologize.

I was one of the many who became infatuated with Facebook, I'm sorry x]. So, other than Facebook, I also have to use my Myspace fairly often.

EDIT : Before logging off I decided to check around on some of my friends' pages, and it made me kinda sad how much I've missed :/. Its funny that even though you dont meet them, you sorta have that longing to speak to them feeling. It makes me kinda sad :S

I don't really wanna say I'm leaving, but I honestly don't check here, except for every month-ish :/. My baad.

---- > my Myspace: www.myspace.com/itsmellstar

Drop by and say hi :). If you're someone I talked to a lot on Buzznet, I'd love to keep in contact with you ^^

Best wishes,

-Melanie.

Hey.

This is a vent, you really don't have to read it, it was mainly for me - but if you do than.. well, yeah.

I know I'm not alone. I know I have friends, best-friends, family, teachers... so many people I can depend on, that I can talk to - about anything. Nonetheless, sometimes I feel like there's no one out there to help me.

No one who will really listen to me, who will take me seriously.

I constantly remind myself, "you're not alone, you're not alone."
Sometimes it works, but other times when I feel really down, it eats at me. There's this small part inside of me that keeps telling me it's only a matter of time before I truly am alone.

The reason behind this, is because I've never had a bestfriend for two years.
It makes me feel so... jealous... angry even, when I see people who've had a bestfriend since they were in kindergarden. Or pre-k, whatever.
I've never had that. I've never been able to experience the feeling of pure friendship, where no matter what, you'll always be friends with that person, that you can trust them - with everything.
Year after year, my friends change into different people... they aren't the people I loved - but I deal with it. I know that deep down, they still are my friends, and still are that same person.
When I change, it's not always the same.
I reveal so much of myself, putting myself out on a line, trusting the person like I've known them forever, but that's never a good thing. After a while, they get tired of me ; I'm no longer of use to them.

Sometimes people tell me I have trust issues, but honestly. Can you blame me? I have a hard time trusting someone when I first meet them, but once I get to know them, I'm an open book. They can know practically everything - where I grew up, who hurt me, my favorite items, colours, clothes...
Then what happens? It all goes away. The happy 'best-friends-forever!' mirage is over, I'm boring.

Why? Maybe it's because I over-think everything, I get paranoid, I talk too much, I'm too much of a doormat to other people. They end up walking all over me.
I know I should stand up for myself, I get it all the time, but when I do, I come out as a bitch, and it hurts, alright?
I come from a conservative family; I was raised to not swear, be truthful to my parents, stand up for what I believe in but not hurt people's feelings. Being called names like whore, slut, bitch, skank, freak, it actually hurts me. It seems like it doesn't, but after a couple summers of acting camps, you learn to bottle things up, to pretend, to act like everything's normal.

Also, shoving chopsticks in the front of my locker does offend me . Just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean I use chopsticks. I find whoever did that to my locker some some big immature kid who doesn't know who they're messing with. Racism isn't cool.

I'm not an attention whore, I'm not craving attention. I did this to make myself feel better, to vent out my real feelings for once. I never asked anyone to read this, if you did, well, now you know, but don't go calling me degrading names because I really don't need that.

Best Friend Application - for Maddi.

The Small Basics:
Full Name (including middle): Melanie Wei Tan [excuse the lame Chinese middle name.]
Nicknames: Mel, Melly.
Age: 12 years of age [but I'm turning 13 in September ( : ]
School: I'm in that transition between elem. and high school. So...Earl Marriott Secondary, then.
Birthplace: Vancouver, BC.
Orientation: Chinese/Japanese
Current location: Vancouver, BC
Religion: None.
Politics Interest:
Hair Color: Black w/ red streaks.
Eye Color:
Contacts/Glasses: Nope.
Drink/Smoke: No.
Pets: Yes.
How many languages can you speak? One, but I'm learning Japanese.
If yes, how many and what are their names? For the pets? One, his name is Sam, he is a doggeh ( :
Description of your style: Me, I guess. I don't really 'have a style', I just go with what I feel like wearing. Stereotypically wise though, people call me... "goth" and "emo". It's quite ridiculous, really.
What's a name you've always wanted? Melody.
Righty/lefty? Righty. I was a lefty, but my mom said it's un-natural, so I am a right.
Dye your hair? One once. It was streaks.
Your Favorites:
Music: Right now? I'm back to Simple Plan.
TV Show: The Office.
Movie: The Nightmare Before Christmas
TV Channel: Family Channel. [hahaha]
Radio Station: The Beat 94.5
Food: Sushi or pizza.
Snack: Miss Vickies original sea-salt chips.
Drink: Iced coffee
Animal: Chipmunks?
Holiday: Halloween !
Season: Spring
Sport: Tennis
Place to shop: Um...The mall, haha.
Clothing brand: I don't really have one...
Restaurant: The Keg? I 'unno.
Fruit: I don't have one... D:
Magazine: Alternative Press
Vegetable: None D:
Fast Food Restuarant: Dairy Queen
Genre: Punk/Alternative
Pizza topping: Cheeeeeeeese
Ice cream flavor: It was bubblegum, then it was peanutbutter, but now I so love cappuccino.
City: Whiterock :D
Color: Rainbow? Orange?
Number: 13
Quotes: "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
About You:
Do you have any sibilings? Yes, two brothers.
Where do you like to hand out? ...hand out what?
What would you want for your birthday? A laptop *cheesygrin*
What would you play in a band (vocals, guitar)? Piano or guitar ? I sing too..but not that good, haha.
Do you like the newspaper? Sorta. The comics are quite awesome!
What would you want for Christmas? A new camera?
Do you have a cell phone? No ) :
Are you parents nice and easy to get to know? Yeah, I guess.
Describe yourself in one word: Odd
Are you: Cynical. Self-Centered. Rude? No...I can be a tad critical sometimes, but not really...
Do you like to dye your hair awesome colors? I'm not really allowed to dye it. Only streak it. And I've only done that once.
Do you like to yell at people? Not really... Yelling hurts my throat,
Do you make fun of people if they have acne or are overweight? No, because I myself have crappy acne. I don't fun of people usually...
Would you ditch your friend for your boyfriend? I don't have a boyfriend anymore...And no, I wouldn't
How do you feel about gay people? They're really nice : )
Do you like dorky things like harry potter, lord of the rings, star trek? Of course!! HARRY POTTER IS MY HERO. xD
DO YOU LIKE VAMPIRES OR MYTHICAL CREATURES? YES. Like unicorns! : )
Do you believe in the lochness monster? Sorta.
Do you believe in big foot? Sorta?
Do you like fashion? Like Gucci, Juicy Coutre, Chanel and Mac Cosmetics? I don't buy stuff for the label...so no, I guess.
Do you like make-up and MAC? Not really...eye shadow is good for bruises and such, and chapstick is a must, though ( :
Do you like or use extensions? Not really...On someone else, sure, but not for me.
Would you consider yourself smart? Not really!
Would you consider yourself entertaining? Uh...I guess.
Would you consider yourself bitchy? No - but I can be. It's a rare sight, though.
Would you consider yourself funny? On Facebook I'm the funniest of my friends ( :
Do you like to sleep? Sure.
Do you like to go shopping? Yesh!
MOST OF ALL DOOOO YOU LIKE MOVIES?!?!? YEAAAAAAZ.
What do you think of cancer? It's mean : (
Do you have proper grammar? Amazingly, yes.
What do you think of drugs? They aren't cool.
Are you a fast typer? I think so. My highest is 94wpm...
Do you have a myspace/facebook/buzznet? I have all of the ...beside, haha.
What do you think of home-schooling? I was homeschooled before.
Are you competitive? Not really. I'm not drived to win, but I'm drived to NOT lose, haha.
What do you think of sweat pants? Good for gym and shiz.
Tell me more:
What do you think of my...
Name? It's pretty ( :
Hair? It's rad.
Style? Looks good.
Music Taste? Tis' awesome!
Movie Taste? I 'unno...What movies do you watch? : )
Book Taste? It's good to me.
TV Show Taste? Pretty rad.
Eye Color? Pretty!
Sense of humor? Funneh.
Personality? It's awesome.
Eyes? Didn't you ask this? : ) Pretty.
Friends? I don't really know all your friends...But the ones I know seem pretty cool : )
Jewelry? Rad.
Make-Up? Quite good.
Fashion? Great stuff ( :
Voice? ...I've never heard you D:
Manners? Good?
Describe me in one word: AWESOME?
Whats your guy taste?
You usually attract: put a 0 for doesn't matter, put a * for a turn on, put a & for a turn off.
Black Hair: 0
Orange Hair: 0
Blonde Hair: 0
Dark Brown Hair: 0
Light Brown Hair: 0
Multi-Colored Hair: 0
Other Colored Hair: 0
Glasses: 0
Clothes tucked in: 0
Bulky: &
Scrawny: *
Pink clothes: 0
Jock: 0
Musician: ***
Extra:
Extras
Would you keep my secret? Of course.
Would you laugh at my jokes? You're funneh, so ofcourse ( :
Would you watch my lame youtube video blogs? Haha, yeah, I would!
Would you go to concerts with me? YEEESS.
Would you help me ask out my crush? Of course ( :
Would you go shopping with me? Sure!
Would you not go to a party so you could stay with me if I was sick? Duh!
What would you do to cheer me up? Act silly xD
What would you do if I said I wanted to run away? Go with you. : )
What would you do if I said I was cutting myself? I would be sad : ( But then I would comfort you, cause I know what its' like.
What would you do if I said I was having social anxiety? I would try to help you out.
What would you do if I was in the hospital? Stay there every single day.
What would you do if I dyed my hair and you honestly didn't like it? I would tell you that your hair looks great for you, but I'm not a great, great fan.
What would you do to have fun? I 'unno. It's more of a 'spur of the moment' kinda fun.
What would you do if I asked you to come to a concert but you didn't like the band? I'd go anyways. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up liking them.
Would you loan me some money if I lost mine or I needed some? Sure thing. You better pay me back! :D

I was tagged D:

Open up your Windows Media Player or iPOD and put it on shuffle. The first 10 songs then comes up you have to write the first lyric (or sometimes if its too easy pick your own). Then tag 5-10 people.

001. Think of me, think of me fondly when we've goodbye.
002. If I should die before I wake, it's cause you took my breath away.
003. He's been trying with limited success, to get this girl, to get into her dress.

004. Taking on seven years, the holy ghost had left alone.
005. Bright cold silver moon, tonight I'm alone in my room.
006. Found my way to the highway, I don't wanna tell you the state I'm in.
007. You wanna know If I know where, I can't say I do.
008. I've been here before a few times, and I'm quite aware we're dying.
009. We're out, we're out the door, in this short time we've been setting up.
010. Oh, I hate to be the one to bear bad news.

Okay, I'm gonna tag...Kristine [mychemqueen], Siu [siulam], Shannon [fadetoblack1031], Jami [roflcopter], and Jenna [anamericangod] for when she gets back ( :
OKAY, GO! :D

Living Disaster [Wrote it on Monday]

Nobody's perfect, I know that's true,
But other people are like saints,
Or atleast from my point of view.

People don't know what it's like to be a walking disaster,
To know that you've messed up lives,
A happiness saboteur.

I ruin everyone's lives, let alone my own,
Things would be better off if I was just alone.
I can never seem to do anything right,
maybe I should just pack my bags and catch that next flight.

It appears I shouldn't be in your life,
All I seem to be doing is cause you too much strife.
I'm always upset, always blue,
The only one that can help me is you -
But I know I always make you unhappy,
I'm sorry the girl who could always make you smile wasn't me.

These words are difficult to get out,
It's so hard to say goodbye.
Please don't cry, don't pout,
For to say you need me is a lie.

In time you'll understand why I had to do this,
For now, no worries, I'm not someone you have to miss.

It's like I have the Midas touch,
But instead of turning things to gold,
It's peoples' happiness that I crush.

I never meant to hurt anyone, no way, not I.
It's just that I don't even have to try.

Life is better off without me,
You're better off without me,
All I really want is for you to be happy,
And without me, you will, I guarantee.

12 Songs That Make Me Happy

I was tagged by my dear friend miss Madison.

12. First Date - Blink 182
11. Umbrella - All Time Low
10. Reptilia - The Strokes
9. Yule Shoot Your Eye Out - Fall Out Boy
8. Bruised - Jack's Mannequin
7. In Too Deep - Sum 41
6. Count Yourself In - Ten Second Epic
5. In Progress - This Century
4. Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade [this song makes me cry - but it's a beautiful song, and I like it.]
3. Skyway Avenue - We The Kings
2. High Life Scenery - The Rocket Summer
1. You're Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus [this song makes me cry too, nonetheless, it makes me happy]

Hmmm... I tag: mychemqueen, fadetoblack1031, siulam, demolition, and whoever hasn't done this yet and wants to :]

Beautiful, Warts and All.

Without makeup [May-29-08] â�“ With eyeliner [June-16-08]

My self-esteem and body-image tends to be a very touchy subject for me. People rarely tell me I'm pretty â�“ and when they do, it's over this wonderful thing called cyberspace. I get comments, or IM's or sometimes even messages where people say things like â�œyour so pretty!â�

It's nice hearing things like that â�“ but exactly that. You have to hear it. Well, for me, I do. It's completely different seeing the words on a screen, and hearing it come out from someone's mouth. You can look at the person and actually see if they mean it or not.

First, I'll start off with the things I'm most self-conscious of.

First up to bat: my forehead [including eyebrows].

As a little kid, I was never really introduced to those mandatory food groups. Well, I was to meat, dairy, wheat, stuff like that, but I wasn't to those ones that will prevent being scurvy. [Scurvy is what pirates got back in the day from lack of veggies and fruits].

I was spoiled. I didn't want to eat them, and since I didn't get used to them, I don't eat them now, either. It's hard, my 'rents are always trying to get me too, but its' like, I just can't. I've tried plugging my nose, I've tried closing my eyes, but I just can't. I know it sounds silly and something a six year old would probably say about broccoli, but I'm not kidding.

Because of that eating issue, I have like, the worst acne problems. They're not major zits with pus on the inside, but they're dozens and dozens of little bumps all over my forehead, and cheeks [and arms too, but I'll get to that later].

Now, my eyebrows are something else I hate. They're huge, it's so awful. My dad calls them â�œAsian eyebrowsâ�, but I'm not too sure about that. If so, I'm angry at being Asian. They stand out so freakin' much, that's why I usually wear my bangs long.

Second course: my weight [being skinny]

I never really cared about my weight before. Infact, I ate and ate and ate non-stop, you could say. I ate when I was bored, even.
In the year of 2007, I moved to a different part of Vancouver â�“ different school, different kids. Some of them are lighter than I am. Right now, I am a whopping 110 pounds. Now, you're probably thinking â�œso what? 110 isn't that much.â�
Well, to me, it is.
I feel embarrassed that I'm heavier than a lot of kids. I'm lighter than one of my bestfriends, Andy. He weighs â�“ wait for it â�“ 96 pounds. It's not fair ! He's like, stuck there, and he doesn't even try. In fact, he eats as much as I do, and I'm still heavier somehow.

My boyfriend Travis is lighter than I am too â�“ I'm not entirely sure how much he weighs, I know he's from 99-105pounds.
My friend Jessica is 98pounds. They're all lighter than I am, it's embarrassing going to school and knowing that I'm a freakin' 10,000 ton truck compared to these kids.

A small note â�“ I recently went on a diet, and I still am on it. It's nothing major, I've done it before. Instead of having a usual sammich for lunch, I'm substituting two granola bars and an Asian tea box instead. I did this last year for two months [well, actually, I skipped the teabox], and I lost a total of 10 pounds. I found out it was bad, because I purged when I got home. I ate like crazy. That's when I knew I had to stop.

Third issue: my arms and shoulders.

On my arms, I have these small bumps. During the summer time, they can go bright red, which stands out against my ~~pale~~ somewhat tan skin. If not, when I rub my arm against it, I feel gross, like some sort of scaly monster. I wonder what my boyfriend thinks when I hug him.

I know that other people get this too, and I'm not alone on this, but I can't help but wonder why I have this. I mean, doubt the veggies and fruits problem affects it. I googled it once, and it said that this is a 'common disease' and can be cured with a mixture of creams.

Uhm?

The other thing I mentioned was my shoulders. They're like boxes, so square, not rounded. When I wear a black hoodie that isn't like, skinny, and I put the hood up, people even think I'm a guy from the back. That hurt â�“ but I guess its' the truth. Shoulders do matter, in this world. Or at least, the world I live in.

Maybe last problem I will whine about: my legs and thighs.

My legs are great â�“ for running, jogging and walking. Beauty wise? Not. Well, not to me.

They are huge. From fat, not muscle [as much as I try to convince myself].
It's like my legs and thighs are jello. Jelly. And it's gross. Especially when I sit down. Cause then it's like, kapuuuush, and spreads out. I feel different from everyone else. I usually always sit at the edge of my seat.

Apart from the extra fats issue, my legs have ~~small~~ major hair problems. It grows rapidly, I'm not kidding. I don't shave, I use hair-removal cream [like Nair, Veet, etcetera] and it works...For like, two days. Then the hair shoots back out, and I wear pants again. Going swimming is especially etchy for me. I wear board shorts over my swimsuit every time I go swimming. Even then, I can see the hairs. When I have gymclass, I wear track-pants [stretchy, not cotton. (like yoga style)]. I can't stand wearing shorts. People even mention it to me â�“ asking me why.

In the end, I wish I could say I had amazing selfesteem, but the truth is, I don't. It's not that I think I'm ugly â�“ I don't, but I don't think I'm pretty either. Maybe it's more because I don't get complimented ~~often~~ usually in person. I know it's harder to say it in person, but it does mean more.

Although I'm not extremely fond of the way I look, I think I am beautiful â�“ but more on the inside, rather than the out.

And that's my self-esteem story.

My Camping Trip.

My camp trip was... interesting, I guess...

Day #1:

I woke up at 7:05 am to get ready and shiz, and Jessica was supposed to come at about ... well, 8:10am or 8:15am so we could walk to school together. Right, she came at 8:05am and from there we walked. My bag was like, stuffed. I swear, when I got there I was like WHOA. The boys packed more than I did. It was scary. Haha.

The bus we took was like, huge â�“ sorta. It was like a Greyhound kind of bus... Something that would fit about 50 kids, I guess.

While we were waiting for the bus though, we went to the gym to leave our stuff there and wait, and everyone was all excited to see me and asked me how my trip was and stuff like that. We're all talking, and then Travis comes in and he sees me, waves with like, a huge smile on his face, but hangs out with his friends.

Only fair, cause he was sick that whole week I was gone, so he stayed home.

Anyways, yeah, the bus came and I sat with Jessica on the way there. That stupid retard Dalton was sitting diagonally in front of us, and he kept turning around and like, freakin' talking to us, which was annoying as hell.

Then he moved in front of us, and kept sticking his head inbetween the two chairs to like, stare and stuff. He's pretty much obsessed with Jessica, and he held her hand and she was like, trying to pull away and I said, â�œDude, let go of her hand alreadyâ�

His response was, â�œOh, oops, I forgot.â�
How in the hell do you forget you're holding someone's hand? When that person already has a boyfriend?

Silly Dalton.

We made a pitstop at a washroom, and that's when Travis decided to sit beside him and talk to me, which was really nice. Except â�“ Dalton threw his hat at Jessica, so she tossed it back and 'hit him in the eye', so he sat there 'crying' for an hour.

Um, hello? Pathetic. Forrealz. He wasn't even crying. He just wanted some attention.

Well, at least we watched School Of Rock on the way there. Except, it was the 7^th time for me...

We got there, and we met the counselors, Lauren, Amber, Megan, Irma, Aaron, Trevor, Johnny, Matt and George. Johnny, Matt and George were from England, and they were SO radical ! George was the coolest though. :]

Aaron had to tell us who were in each tent â�“ and guess who I was stuck with?

Amber, Jamie, Ariel, Jessica â�“ and â�“ Jackie. Eugh. She was... relatively nice to me, but then she was scary at night â�“ like she talked about things that are seriously inappropriate. Sex, and stuff like that. She never shuts up, and I was like â�œWTF.â�

The girls bathroom was relatively clean. There were three toilets, three showers [which had absolutely no hot water] and three sinks. I was leaving the bathroom from brushing my teeth in my jammies, then suddenly I heard Jake yell â�œHey Melanie!â�
So I was like â�œYea?â�

Then Tayler K. stood beside Jake at the 'door' of their tent and yelled, â�œTravis says goodnight!â�
Which was cute ^^. Could've done it himself, but, ah well...
There was spiders at like, the end of my bunkbed, and it scared the crap out of me. I stayed curled up in a ball sorta shape on one side instead, and I usually got only 3 hours of sleep.

Day #2:

At about 5am in the morning, someone on the other-side of the compound's watch alarm went off. Now, I myself am a deep sleeper to loud noises, but the little noises just like, wake me up instantly. Turns out it was Nathan's. He woke pretty much everyone up, and James went around singing â�œwake up!â�
Some people went to take a freakin' shower, and the teachers were all like â�œIt's 5am in the morning, you don't need to take a showerâ�.

We had breakfast, and unfortunately, we weren't allowed to pick who we sit with everytime, so it was quite terrifying when I was put with Lucas and Marek continuously. They eats like a pig. Not even kidding. Have you seen a guy shove a piece of toast in his mouth or drink ketchup/water ?

Eugh.

We had one activity, and mine was the rockclimbing wall, which was SO rad! :]

Then, we went to Shannon Falls [which is somewhere in Squamish] , and hiked up the trail/path thing to the 'first' peak or somein' . HOLY SHIZ. We were out there for 5 hours, going up slippery, dirty, muddy and wet rocks, dirt and 'nature'. Did I mention it was raining? '-.-

For like, 3/8s of the way, Travis walked with me, and whenever I stopped, he stood and waited for me. We hit the halfway point, and when there, we had to go up a ladder, and there was like, a huge sorta rock wall of moss, and rain water dripping down from it, and then everyone except me and Andy were refilling their waterbottles with it. I was like â�œNo way!â� Cause the water was yellow.

That's sure clean, alright.

Anyways, I was like, really low on water, so Andy offered me half of his. How nice, right? He poured half into my bottle, and then we continued on.

Now, this is where it got harder. There was a lot more rock, extremely slippery and mildewy. Water was running down, and it got a lot steeper. I was ready to roll over and give up. I kept slipping and stuff, and my hands were pretty much cracking and blistering, and Travis had probably gotten tired of waiting for me. Andy told me a few tips on how not to slip, and stayed behind me, so that if I fell he would catch me. And I did fall, and he did catch me.

Anyways, we were so close to the peak [top] of the 'chief'. Or atleast, me and Andy were. I couldn't make it to the top. People were already up there, and Travis was like â�œCome on Melanie! It's awesome up here!â�

But I couldn't. I had just slipped, and that's when my heart started beating incredibly fast. I was on the top of a cliff/mountain thing of granite, it was mildewy, slimy, wet and incredibly wet. It was raining like hell. It's like, everything I wanted to do flashed before my eyes, like I would never achieve it. I stopped, sat where I was and held my head to my chest. Andy stopped and sat beside me. When Ben actually caught up to us, he sat too. Same with Keiran.

Travis decided to come sit beside me, asking me if I was alright. I told him I wasn't afraid of heights, and I'm not at all. I'm afraid that I would slip and fall off the edge, plummet to my death and die. Ben was like, â�œyou know, this is 1800 feet above ground, right?â�

And we all looked at him. By this time, every part of my body was tingling like crazy, arms, face, legs, stomach, you name it. It was like a buzzing sorta vibrating, especially when Keiran said, â�œThat would really suck if you fell off and plummeted down. Like, kapooooshh.â�

Travis was all, â�œwow Keiran, good job! Now she's shaking!â�

And I guess I was. I laughed a little, not that it was funny, but the fact I was gonna die on a cliff, and no one would really care. I turned to face the other way, I was ready to cry.

The others in the group came down to where we were, and tried to distract me, but then Amber and Megan the leaders in our group were like, â�œYou guys, this is really serious and dangerous. We're on extremely slippery granite, you could fall over. We're 1800 feet above the water...â�

And I started crying. Just like that. My whole body numbed over, I could barely even move. All I could manage to do was move my head so that I wasn't really facing any of them. I didn't want to cry in front of them. The people who were in my group were Andy, Ben, Travis, Keiran, Matt Haley, Jacob, Jeremy, Tayler K. and Jean. Eric was too, but his knee gave out somewhere at the bottom, so he left early.

Anyways, so everyone saw the tears roll down my cheeks before I turned around. They laughed â�“ not at me, but because of how Amber was describing it. I had my first panic attack , and worst of all, no one comforted me. It was like, Andy and Tayler K. were pointing at me and looking at Travis, whispering, â�œTravis!â�

But he didn't budge. I don't know why.

When my panicattack settled down, we had to slowly crabwalk down the top part. Travis stayed in the slower half, but after we got down, he didn't wait for me, instead he ran up ahead to where Matt was. You know who stayed back with me?

Ben and Andy.

Sheesh, when we got back, I was telling Jessica about all this and she was like â�œI'm sorry to say this, but Andy is acting like your boyfriend, not Travis.â�
Like, I already know that Andy has a 'crush' on me, but he's like, my bestfriend, and I really think of him that way. Jessica told me that before when I first talked to Andy and stuff, Travis' face dropped everytime he saw us talking and shiz.

At dinner, I was looking around, and Travis looked absolutely miserable. Like, grumpy and stuff like that. He was obviously angry and really mad.

After that dreadful meal, we went back to the cabins to sign our names up for the showers, cause they had just gotten 'hot water'. The first groups went when I went to sign up, and then Travis came out, shivering like hell, and I was like â�œare you alright?â�

His response was â�œit's so damn cold. I still have soap on me.â� and had a terrible expression on his face.

I felt terrible.

It was hard going to bed â�“ I was thinking about all of this. You know what I find ironic? I read my horoscope before I left, and it said that it was going to have 'tangles in relationships'. Wow.

Day #3:

Thankfully, we were leaving today [which actually is TODAY, btw], we were ALL extremely happy. Travis didn't seem as grumpy, and he sat in the row across from me on the bus ride back. We were watching the movie version of the novel Holes by Louis Sachar. If you haven't read it, go read it. It seems like a kid book, but if you take notes, you can really connect the pieces. Seriously. It's amazing how he put everything together.

We stopped by McDonalds, Sushi, Pizza and Safeway on the way back for lunch, cause we were all supposed to bring $10. So, I went to McDonalds, and I bought a vanilla iced coffee and a large fries. I was standing with Eric, Matt, and Andy when he told us where he was gonna be sitting. So, when I got my food, I went to see if I could sit with him, and then Keiran was sitting there, with like, three chairs left. Obviously, if you were in my position, you would've thought he had those chairs for his buddies, right?

So, I sat with Victoria, Jamie and Amber [from my school], and when we got back on the bus, Keiran walked past me and was like, â�œIt's your fault.â�

He always says that, so I just go along usually. I asked him, â�œWhat's my fault this time?â�

He looked at me like, really seriously, and said, â�œYou didn't sit with us and Travis is all mad.â�

That freaked me out. I felt so bad. But honestly, what could I of thought?

When we got back to the school, Tayler and Dakota were waiting with a bunch of other kids for us. The bus stopped, and we all got out. They took the luggage and shoved it to the side on the wet concrete. I managed to find my stuff, and I started walking home. Travis can walk two ways â�“ the long way to the left, or the right way which has a shortcut and is on the way to my place.

Well, he went my way so we started walking together about how we were so glad to leave, and then he said, â�œOh, and I got you something for when you got back, but I haven't really gotten around to giving it to you cause we were at camp...â�

I told him he really didn't have to, and he said that it was okay, and he wanted to.

We 'hugged', or atleast tried to. It was impossible for me, I had heavy bags. So I stood there and he hugged me and kissed my cheek. :]

Haley told me that when she talked to him, apparently he said that he would rather wait until he's ready, and I'm ready. Isn't that so adorable?

And now I am home, writing this over a small bowl of bubblegum icecream. I have a cold, just so you know. A killer cough and stupid stuffed nose. Eugh.

I had a total of two panic attacks. I didn't really think it was important to mention that there was a spider on the bus to the Shannon Falls. It jumped on my leg, and I had a panic attack. Two in one day. Spectacular, eh? Now I'm supposed to be really careful...

OH ! But I just heard the most amazing stuff.

Kay, listen to â�œFuck Youâ� by Anna David. Golden stuff, I'm serious, you'll love it. If you're not up for English, there's a Danish version, and a German version ^^.

Also, if you don't already, I suggest â�œForever The Sickest Kidsâ�. Radical band. I love Catastrophe and Whoa Oh [Me VS Everyone].

That's my trip.

Any comments?

I Don't Like What I See...

I don't know what's been going wrong with me. It's like suddenly, the esteem I had for the way I look went belly up.
Meaning, blew up. Went away. Disappeared. Gone.
It confuses me. I don't even know what happened.
Before when I looked in the mirror, my first thoughts were usually,
"Whoa ! Did I smash my head against a wall? Oh well, I'll fix it then." And I usually felt pretty good about myself. Now, I wake up and go to my washroom to look at myself, and instead, I find myself thinking,
"Gross. I can't believe I look like that. It's horrible. I wonder how I ever could've thought I was pretty. No one does..."
I keep finding all my flaws all of a sudden. We were asked what we wanted to change in our selfappearance if we could. It really made me think.
I don't want to change really... Okay, well, the things I wish I could change were whiten my teeth, get rid of my imperable acne, be skinnier, have skinnier arms, less hairy legs, and that covers it all. A lot, isn't it?
...I just wish that people thought I was pretty. Out of my whole life, I can count how many people have called me pretty. I know, this seems a little arrogant and cocky, but hey - this is coming from a girl who's never really called pretty, who never gets complimented on these things, who never really seems to get that attention from [as lame and cliche as it sounds] boys.
It's puberty, and it sucks. Just once, I want my boyfriend to tell me I'm pretty. In reality, not over MSN, or Facebook, or whatever. Or not even him, someone to tell me I'm pretty. This doesn't go to all girls, but the girls at my school can say it all they want, but everytime they do, I know that they're lying to make me feel better - then they turn around and giggle with their friends about how I'm goth and shit.

On top of that, I've been having odd feelings. Randomly out of the blue, I feel like I just want to shut myself off - and for no reason at all. Something is wrong with me, I can tell.

I hope I can figure a way out of this.

x. - m e l a n i e

Labelling ME is for Losers.

So, there's these girls that have been pretty much hardcore-verbally bullying me; Jackie, Brianna and Haley.
They always go around calling me 'goth' or 'emo' or 'dark'. Apparently, I'm a 'fucking emo' to them. What's up with that? I'm not even close to either!
These are typical "Emo" looks:
tight fitted black t-shirt,skinny jeans and a thick black/studded belt.
dark colored Converse or Vans trainers
black eyeliner around your eyes
Wristbands with skulls or anything similar, fingerless gloves and tartan or black ribbons for your hair
denim or vintage black jacket
black, blood red, or silver nail varnish.
[ http://www.fashionshanty.com/images/emo/girls-emo-haircut.jpg ]

And here are the typical "Goth" looks:
elegant choker, lace gloves, an SM bracelet, goggles, bat earrings, ribbons,
heavy eyeliner, red lips, and dark shades with heavy application
high, black boots or black dress shoes
like pinstriped pants, black sweaters, and such
tailored velvet jackets, lace and period items
[ http://www.wikihow.com/images/f/f1/The-evil-butterfly-girl.jpg ]

Note: I look different than BOTH of those examples. I am just pointing out, I do not label myself.
So, anyways, as you should be able to tell, I am neither of these labels. Actually, I'm not any label , persay. I choose not to label myself. I think it is dumb. I am not just one thing. I am many.

Then they go and bug my boyfriend Travis about it - they're bullying him about me! Do you know how guilty that makes ME feel? He's getting treated badly because of me. He doesn't deserve that. He's a good person.
EXAMPLES BELOW:

Incident one [at some sorta event]:
One of their friends Brittany [who doesn't even know me] asked Travis,
"So, you're dating Melanie?"
And he said "Yea."
"Oh, so that's why you don't have any friends." Was her reply.
Incident two [a follow-up to incident one (this happened at school)]:
Jackie, Brianna and Haley were yelling at Travis because apparently he was calling Brittany fat.
He told them, "Leave me alone".
"You were calling our friend fat!" Was Jackie's reply.
"Yeah, but she was yelling and swearing at me. I asked her to go away and she wouldn't." Was his answer.
And they said "Oh, whatever, go be goth in that dark world with Melanie."

Highlights of our conversations are [btw, my writing is red, his is black]
I'm just sorta upset right now, cause of Jackie,brianna,haley and those girls I've never met are just talking smack about me, but they dont know me. People judge me too fast. And Haley's not making it any better. She says I'm hypocritical and don't want to solve 'shyt'. I 'unno, I'm in a bad mood
well - anything I can do?
unfortunately, no. =/ But thanks anyways. It scares me though... when I had my... depression last year, it lasted a long time, and it was pretty dangerous. Since I had it, I'm prone to get it really easily now - and with all these girls going at me, it's like, i dont wanna have depression. not again.
ya thats believable. i havent experienced anything - but i know it must suck
yeah; it does. It's like, the selfharm thing was always there, but luckily i was smart enough to realize "what the heck am I doing?" But now - with all this... these girls are randomly starting stuff with me for no apparent reason
well - maybe i could talk 2 them sumtime. it might work
Weren't they like... scolding you today?
ya but i ignore them .... what they say is just mindless - so why listen?
I get that... mind over matter... i shouldn't mind , cause they don't matter - but then i think "what happens if those girls get mad at me, and beat me up or something?" I've always been scared to get jumped
theres no way that'll happen, and if the 1 in 100000000000 chance lands I will destroy everything they have 2 live for
i just got brianna jackie and haleys email, so tell me if they do stuff.
!! no no, I'd rather you not. You might get in trouble - those girls rat on anyone, even if they started it
well sry - it just frustrates me when they pick on you
thanks but i'm nothing to get in trouble over. They'll probably get bored of me [i think] and leave me alone in search of another victim.

Anyways, as you can tell, I told him NOT to go tell them off or try to stop them. You know what he does?
He goes and tells Haley to stop bullying me. Argh. It makes me sad - I can't bear to get him in trouble. She's one of those people who'd tell on anyone if they hit back - even if she starts it. Oh dear Lord, I hope he doesn't tell off Jackie and Brianna. Those girls are vicious. Seriously, you haven't been bodychecked by them before.
I'm scared ]:
Plus, today he didn't come into school. Which surprised me, but at first I just thought his alarmclock didn't go off like last time, but he didn't go on MSN afterschool either - nor was he on Xbox Live, and he's always on either of the two. I'm really worried.

Jeeez, I'm waaaay too stressed out for a 12 year old.
Oh crap, I realized - I'm turning 13 this year. HOZNAP. Lots more drama. ]:
I wanted a life like on TV, where the 12 year old kids are allowed to go out to for pizza, or to the park without worrying about pedophiles or stuff like that. Where the 12 year old enjoys his childhood, and doesn't care about their social life. They go on and enjoy it.
I'm nothing like that.
I'm more of a drama show, like Mean Girls. I'm the one who gets picked on, bullied, and teased by others. I'm the one that people take for granted, who gets labelled everyday as a freak, emo, goth, or loser.
I'm the person who doesn't always enjoy their childhood. The one who's childhood was taken away by several kids from all over, who thought "This girl is a loser. Let's take away her childhood dreams and make her life a hell. Sure she has a boyfriend, but that's a weakness. We'll crush him - and she'll be crushed. Her happiness will be no more."
Sigh.

x. - melanie.